• Hayley Zablotsky

The People of TripAdvisor

A well-researched beach.

It's imperative to suck the fun out of all upcoming vacations by researching the hell out of them beforehand.

Thankfully, we have TripAdvisor, where disgruntled travelers can blow off some steam and also provide a valuable service. I recently spent a LOT of time on TripAdvisor in preparation for my family vacation to Hawaii.

I learned so many things.

Here are some of the reviews that guided my Hawaii vacation decision-making process.

1. This insult to a very fine, if inauthentic, restaurant chain:

If you've been to Olive Garden, then you've had better Italian food.

2. This honest evaluation:

It sucks.

3. This political citizen:

The hike & park are wonderful, however: the employees of the Park duct tape up the washroom faucets rendering them useless...I wonder what President Obama would think if he visited this NP in his Native Hawaii and saw what the Federal Employees have done.

4. This mutant humanoid:

Three thumbs down.

5. This literary giant:

It was the smallest portion of cheesecake I have ever had and it didn’t taste of anything but disappointment.

6. This throwback to college:

It was a nightmare. Being stuck on a boat with 70 drunk white people for 5 hours. If you are a wordily and thoughtful person looking for a cool experience to explore Maui's natural beauty, THIS IS NOT FOR YOU.

The company's response [as per usual, pleasantly defensive with an inappropriately placed semicolon]:

We would not usually allow a passenger of any race to become "drunk"; certainly not 70 people.

7. This almost compliment:

Their menu is interesting I'll give them that, does it work? I don't think so.

8. This poor attitude:

I hate this kind of stuff.

9. This skinny person's judgement of the rest of us:

why? why is there so much food on the plates?

10. Fucking Kevin:

Rude obnoxious manager Kevin.

11. This double description of my soul:

The Man Tai was extremely bitter, and the Tahitian shrimp were these rubbery, greasy slugs firmly adhered to their shells.

12. This pretentious asshole:

Bastion of misfortunes... the onions were not properly caramelised...the octopus that came out was insipid, over braised, over charred and had become mealy... Taking all the ocean has to offer and offering a plate of desecration.

13. This rollercoaster:

Arrogant management, Disappointing, Great Food, Beautiful Setting.

14. And this atrocity:

They give out free rolls with every dinner meal and I literally had to find the waiter to ask for the free rolls. Not happy.

^ For the record, we went to this restaurant and we also had to ask for the free rolls. We were not happy either. Apparently, we learn nothing.

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© 2020 Hayley Zablotsky

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