If Normal Conversations Were Like Political Debates
Q: Hey, so how have you been?
A: Let me share something with you: I've always loved peach pie. Also blueberry. Also pecan. Now, some people pronounce pecan "pea-can" and other people say "pea-cahn" and I've even heard it "pe-kin," which is kind of interesting.
Q: Okay but like — how are you? Are you doing alright?
A: My grandma makes a mean cherry pie. But I've never really liked that kind. My cousins do. My cousins are weird. Did you know that it's legal to marry your first cousin in multiple states?
Q: Dude. Are you good though?
A: Before I get to that, I'm going to take a quick moment to make a brief and related point: penguins. Do you ever think about penguins? I do. I think they're wonderful. Sharp dressers. Involved fathers. Just good people. You know? Wholesome. And I really feel like we don't give them enough credit. We get so wrapped up in our own lives. We're busy, we're self-absorbed, we're late, we're rushing — and we just forget about penguins.
Q: Please answer with one word. How — are — you?
A: That's a big question, and I really think we need to look at the bigger picture here. Windshield wipers were invented in 1903 by a woman named Mary. Thank you, Mary! Last time I went to get an oil change, the mechanic talked me into getting new windshield wipers. I didn't need them. I got them anyway. It happens, you know?
Q: Okay, we're really out of time here. I have other things to do and—
A: AND ALSO SOMETIMES THE MECHANICS TRY TO CONVINCE ME TO CHANGE MY AIR FILTER—
Q: I really have to go now—
A: BUT MY AIR CONDITIONING HAS BEEN WORKING FINE AND I DON'T THINK I NEED A NEW AIR FILTER EVERY THREE MONTHS—
Q: Thank you. I'm going to—
A: AND FURTHERMORE, ROSS AND RACHEL WERE NOT ON A BREAK.
A: What. Why are you looking at me like that?
Q: Okay. Let's try this. What are your weekend plans?
A: Weekend plans! Yes, it is very important to have weekend plans. Because if you don't, you might find yourself lounging around with nothing to do and you might get bored. Sometimes it's a good idea to use the internet to find fun things to do on the weekend. And if it's a long weekend, maybe you could even take a little road trip!
Q: But what are YOUR weekend plans for THIS weekend?
A: Obviously, I don't want to do what my friend did last weekend. He was in the hospital for a fractured foot. Not a fun thing. He didn't even know it was broken for three whole days before going to the hospital.
Q: We're not talking about your friend. We're talking about you. And this Saturday.
A: Sometimes it's nice to walk your dog on Saturdays.
Q: Yes! Great! So you're walking your dog this weekend?
A: No, I don't have a dog.
A: Where are you going? Don't you want to hear some dog facts? COME BACK!
Obviously, I couldn't be more thrilled that the presidential race is beginning again.