How To Write Postcards Without Sounding Like A Horrible Person
It turns out, it's hard to write postcards without sounding like a smug little so-and-so.
Thinking of you in your cubical. Too bad you aren't on the beach like me.
Wish you were here having umbrella drinks with me and not at home breastfeeding triplets and healing your dislocated shoulder.
I mean, really. What is the point here? Rubbing my beautific adventures and relaxation in my friends' sad little noses? SUCKS TO SUCK, SUCKERS.
This really isn't a very nice sentiment at all, so here's how I handled it on my recent trip to Hawaii: the trick is to not overemphasize how much fun you're having and to show how sensitive you are of your friends' feelings.
I know you're somewhat resentful that I'm here and you are not, but I still wanted to send you a postcard to show you how much I care.
As you know, I almost died yesterday in the ocean.
I'm a pinkish tan now — a glowing lobster goddess. I expect the sunburned skin will start peeling off tomorrow. Please excuse any remaining skin flakes when I return to work looking radiant.
The breakfast buffet is incredible. I've probably gained ten pounds, so be happy you weren't the one here at this luxury resort with freshly-squeezed juice, a plethora of pool boys, and ocean views.
It's possible that I'm never leaving Maui. This is as good a place as any to be broke, direction-less, and unemployed. And the Mai Tais are to die for.
See how I did that? This way, your friends won't hate you when you come home and realize you forgot to (never intended to?) bring them souvenirs.