• Hayley Zablotsky

How To Sound Cooler Than You Actually Are

It's an art. Fortunately, I've mastered it. As far as anyone knows, I'm the pinnacle of cool.


HAH.


It's all about saying things in a certain way and using the right words. And you don't even have to lie! So don't even worry about your immortal soul.


Here are several foolproof examples. Like really. I've never had these not work.



What you say: I used to be a dancer.

What it actually means: I took ballet in first grade and then several years of tap dancing lessons.

What they think: Dayum, she sexy.



Me circa 2002 in a ballet recital. Sexy.

What you say: Dang it, I wish I could come but I have the worst case of food poisoning.

What it actually means: I never intended to come and I'm certainly not changing my mind now, but I don't want you to think I'd rather sit at home, watching TV and eating low-fat Cheetos [which is precisely what I'll be doing].

What they think: Poor thing. Wow, what a champ. ANYTHING YOU NEED, BABE.



What you say: Oh, Chicago! I love Chicago.

What it actually means: I went to Chicago once when I was eight years old to go to the American Girl Doll store.

What they think: What a hip metropolitan gal.



What you say: Oh, don't mess with me on the road. I will RAGE.

What it actually means: When people cut you off, you say, "Excuse YOU, sir," in a British accent.

What they think: What a badass. Better not ever get on HER bad side.



People having road rage circa mid-19th century. Or me having road rage circa yesterday on I-30.

What you say: Now that was a crazy spring break.

What it actually means: Your favorite jeans ripped and your friend threw up Panda Express. No alcoholic beverages or boys were involved.

What they think: Oh, she's got to have some great stories. Maybe I should marry her.



What you say: Maybe I do have tattoos and you just can't see them.

What it actually means: I don't have tattoos.

What they think: I bet she has a sexy lil tattoo of a dragon hatching out of an egg on her hip bone. Coolest human ever.



What you say: I'm a runner.

What it actually means: You do intervals of jogging and walking on the treadmill while watching Food Network.

What they think: She's an inspiration to us all.

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© 2020 Hayley Zablotsky

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