• Hayley Zablotsky

Google Babies


The Internet thinks I'm having a baby. Maybe three or four a year, actually.


Me circa 1998. If I ever DO have babies, you can imagine they'll look like this but with Channing Tatum's nose.

But the Internet is wrong. I'm not actually having several babies a year.


[whew].


But I Google baby names. Like all the time. The babies I have to name are my characters for stories and whatever hot mess of a novel I'm working on.


For unknown reasons, the only name my brain can come up with unaided is Sally


Me: I'm writing a new character. She's a little damaged, a little edgy. It's possible she strangled a man once.

My brain: AND HER NAME IS SALLY.


Me: I'm writing a new character. She's an aging woman struggling to reconnect with her adult children. She raises guinea fowl.

My brain: I KNOW THAT GAL HER NAME IS SALLY.


Me: I'm writing a new character. She's an injured ballerina who fell into the orchestra pit during the opening scene of Swan Lake. She sues and wins a million dollars.

My brain: RAKE IT UP SALLY


So obviously we have a problem here. I've never even known a Sally. 


*I do also write male characters in case you were wondering. My brain likes to name all of them Paul.


Sally and Paul.


Yes.


So clearly, I require backup. And that's why I Google baby names. 

My relationship with Google circa every damn day

Here's a summary of my recent Google search history:


-> Vintage girl baby names

-> Cool boy baby names

-> Cool vintage androgynous names

-> What is anarcho-capitalism

-> Baby names inspired by Disney characters

-> Buzzfeed: what Disney character baby name are you based on your astrological sign?

-> One-syllable baby names beginning with R

-> How to deactivate smoke alarm

And so now Google thinks I'm mom of the year and frequently provides me with specially tailored parenting ads.


It's also possible that Google thinks I'm an anarcho-capitalist.


Also maybe a threat to national security. Writers Google a lot of concerning things. We need information! I don't know how to clean an automatic weapon, do impromptu surgery on an injured river guide, or sneak across the Moroccan border. 


But Google does.


*I'd like to note here that none of my books contain the above scenarios because I don't write heavy-handed action thrillers [yet]. You're much more likely to find my books packed with bizarre social situations and excruciating sexual tension [which I've never needed to research on Google, I might add, due to extensive personal experience].

Anyways. Despite what the Internet thinks, my only children are Sally and Paul, and I love them dearly. 


Though I do think about killing them off from time to time.


Here lies Sally. Beloved daughter, wife, mother, protagonist, antagonist, sidekick, love interest, doppelgänger, etc. She is survived by her only known relative, Paul.

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© 2020 Hayley Zablotsky

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